Misplaced Desire, Sincere Gifts, and Amends

I'm infamous for going off half-cocked.  This has gotten me in trouble more than once, and has sometimes hurt people I care about.

I wanted new mufflers for Nell.  When I installed the exhaust system 18 months ago, it came with inexpensive 2-chamber "turbo" mufflers.  The motor backfired when I was first tuning it, which caused the right muffler to blow a head seam.   I had a muffler guy weld the lower part of the seam back together when he installed hangars for the tailpipes 9 months ago, but it still leaks.  It doesn't rattle any more, but the exhaust is a little loud, and the exhaust leak is clearly audible when the car is idling.

I did extensive research... I may have even been a little obsessive about it, trading off sound and performance numbers from a variety of muffler manufacturers.  I wanted a performance muffler, not some "pedestrian" OEM can!  Yeah, perhaps my ego got a little involved.  The reviews were very positive for the product line I selected, and by my measurements the smallest model would just fit in the stock muffler location.

Amazon is great!  As a family, we tend to use the "wish list" function for gift planning.  I also use my Amazon "wish list" at other times just to keep track of the kind of things I may want, or to track prices.  I put the mufflers on my wish list.  I kept thinking "I need to re-measure the space for these mufflers", but I didn't get around to it.  After all, they were the smallest reasonably quiet performance mufflers available... of course they would fit!

My son surprised me by giving me a pair for Christmas!  It was a very thoughtful gift, and I am extremely grateful.

Today, I took Nell and the mufflers to my muffler guy to have them installed.

They don't fit.

Any early t-bird owners out there, be advised... Walker Dynomax 17730 mufflers will not fit.  You may think that they will, but they won't... they are about a quarter inch too wide, and won't allow enough clearance with the frame to keep from rattling.  I now have to send these big, heavy puppies back to Amazon.

I also need to make amends to my son, who went out of his way to get me something I desired.  It's not his fault that my desire was misplaced, and that my obsession blinded me to reality.  And I'm genuinely sorry.

As a recovering addict, it is often hard for me to fully understand how obsessions I pursue privately can negatively effect other people.  Perhaps this muffler experience is an important reminder.

Recognizing my need for a Redeemer

A lot has happened since my last post.   I officially retired from my employer of over 29 years, and  have received my first pension check.  I have participated in two technical conferences as a "retiree", followed up with several professional relationships, and am actively seeking ways to continue my professional career.

I also experienced my first Thanksgiving totally without Dad.

Nell hasn't received much of my attention, aside from a weekly drive.  I am co-leading a Men's 12 Step Study on Saturday mornings, and Nell gets me there if the weather is dry.  Driving up the coast in Nell is a clear reminder of God's grace to me.  This kind of reminder is especially important when I'm caught up in the emotions of recovery work.

I started my step 4 "fearless moral inventory" when I was on Jury Duty the Monday before Thanksgiving.  I selfishly thought it would be a light week for juries, and the odds would be good that I could serve my "one day" without being empaneled on a trial.  I was sitting in the jury assembly room most of the day, working my inventory.  Writing about my own resentments, and the harm I have done to others, is very taxing emotional work!  My thoughts revolved around Dad... with loss, anger, and resentment all mingled together.  I found myself becoming more and more restless, and a kind of discontent rising up within me. 

When the jury clerk announced that the entire jury pool was going to be screened for a 4 week trial, I was in a pretty foul mood.  It took considerable effort for me to find some peace in the situation, and resign myself to the possibility of extended jury service.  As a retiree, I really had no excuse not to serve.  The courtroom never got around to empaneling the jury, and we were released at about 3:30 PM.  By the time I got to the train station, the commuter train had just left.  I had to wait another hour for the next one, and that really upset me!  It seemed to be the last straw in a frustrating day!  Fussing and fuming, I sat on a bench at the station to collect my thoughts.

Slowly, I began to reflect on how ungrateful I had become.  God had reminded me about some important truths... the importance of my civic duty, the need for willing sacrifice, and the importance of taking stock of my emotions.  He had also just provided an hour for me to spend just talking to him, with no other distractions!  I silently walked from the train station to the waterfront, gradually beginning to enjoy the hour of freedom I had been given.  I found two small war memorials at a waterfront park that I didn't even know was there.  I began to sense the healing in my heart that God has intended for me, if I just let go of the resentment.  By the time I got on the train, I was in a much better mood.

Christmas has become an increasingly important holiday for me.  I used to focus on Easter as the highlight of the year, celebrating of Christ's act of redemption for all mankind.  But Christmas has come to symbolize my own personal need for a redeemer, a deep longing that can only be filled by God. 

He is waiting,  ready to spend an intimate hour talking with me... if only I sit on the bench, collect myself, and respond to his invitation.