Recognizing my need for a Redeemer

A lot has happened since my last post.   I officially retired from my employer of over 29 years, and  have received my first pension check.  I have participated in two technical conferences as a "retiree", followed up with several professional relationships, and am actively seeking ways to continue my professional career.

I also experienced my first Thanksgiving totally without Dad.

Nell hasn't received much of my attention, aside from a weekly drive.  I am co-leading a Men's 12 Step Study on Saturday mornings, and Nell gets me there if the weather is dry.  Driving up the coast in Nell is a clear reminder of God's grace to me.  This kind of reminder is especially important when I'm caught up in the emotions of recovery work.

I started my step 4 "fearless moral inventory" when I was on Jury Duty the Monday before Thanksgiving.  I selfishly thought it would be a light week for juries, and the odds would be good that I could serve my "one day" without being empaneled on a trial.  I was sitting in the jury assembly room most of the day, working my inventory.  Writing about my own resentments, and the harm I have done to others, is very taxing emotional work!  My thoughts revolved around Dad... with loss, anger, and resentment all mingled together.  I found myself becoming more and more restless, and a kind of discontent rising up within me. 

When the jury clerk announced that the entire jury pool was going to be screened for a 4 week trial, I was in a pretty foul mood.  It took considerable effort for me to find some peace in the situation, and resign myself to the possibility of extended jury service.  As a retiree, I really had no excuse not to serve.  The courtroom never got around to empaneling the jury, and we were released at about 3:30 PM.  By the time I got to the train station, the commuter train had just left.  I had to wait another hour for the next one, and that really upset me!  It seemed to be the last straw in a frustrating day!  Fussing and fuming, I sat on a bench at the station to collect my thoughts.

Slowly, I began to reflect on how ungrateful I had become.  God had reminded me about some important truths... the importance of my civic duty, the need for willing sacrifice, and the importance of taking stock of my emotions.  He had also just provided an hour for me to spend just talking to him, with no other distractions!  I silently walked from the train station to the waterfront, gradually beginning to enjoy the hour of freedom I had been given.  I found two small war memorials at a waterfront park that I didn't even know was there.  I began to sense the healing in my heart that God has intended for me, if I just let go of the resentment.  By the time I got on the train, I was in a much better mood.

Christmas has become an increasingly important holiday for me.  I used to focus on Easter as the highlight of the year, celebrating of Christ's act of redemption for all mankind.  But Christmas has come to symbolize my own personal need for a redeemer, a deep longing that can only be filled by God. 

He is waiting,  ready to spend an intimate hour talking with me... if only I sit on the bench, collect myself, and respond to his invitation.