Desire and Intention (Back from the Body Shop, part II)

Tow guy moved the car from the body shop back to Uncle Packard's garage yesterday.  As we were waiting for Tow Guy to come, I mentioned to Paint Guy how much I have enjoyed knowing him and his 91 year old dad, Body Guy.  We talked about Body Guy's heart issue, and how Paint Guy was ready to close the shop last January.  We also talked about Body Guy being back in the office 3 days after his heart valve replacement, and I wondered why being in the shop was so important to him.  Paint Guy paused for a second, then said "It's where he goes to talk to people.  He really doesn't do much work anymore, but he talks to everybody".  I thought about this, and realized that every conversation I've had with Body Guy or his son has been pleasant, supportive, comfortable and unhurried.  It took half an hour of talking before Body Guy would give me the bill for the paint... this shop is not about making money.  It's about something else... it's about relationship.  I mentioned to Paint Guy how his shop has become a gathering place within the local car culture, and how people are always coming and going... and usually talking to Body Guy in the process.  It keeps Body Guy connected.  It keeps him alive.  There is a lesson in this for me, especially when I want to retreat into my own isolation.

Paint guy made it clear that he has enjoyed working on this car, that he is compelled by its history in my family, and that he would like to continue to help me with it.  This really made me feel good, and affirmed!  I sometimes have difficulty with affirmation.  Even though I need it and long for it,  I didn't get much growing up.  My dad is definitely not much like Paint Guy or Body Guy.  Because of this, when I go get affirmation it doesn't always soak through my shell and into my soul, where it needs to go.  I feel like I'm in the middle of the river, dying of thirst, but distrustful of the water.

Tow Guy and Paint Guy getting "bluebird" (no longer "dirtybird"!) on the truck.

A short, slow trip across town.

Backing down Grandma's old driveway

What a pretty car!  I still can't really believe it!

Glamor shot

Nestled in with Uncle Packard's other cars, and ready for re-assembly.

Tow Guy is another interesting character!  After he delivered the car, we had a long chat about Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Packard, my Dad & his generation.  He knows Uncle Packard pretty well, and was genuinely interested in the family history. We talked about what it must have been like for my Dad to loose his own father when he was 16, and be reluctantly forced to act as "the man of the house", and how Grandma had to be such a strong female personality in order to survive.  We talked about how Dad's inability to grieve made him inaccessible, distant, and often overbearing.  We talked about how that played off my Mom's codependency, and her own passive-aggressive way of coping with life.

I've been reading Gerald May's "The Awakened Heart".  May's writing always resonates with me, and provides a fresh look at spiritual issues.  In this book, he describes the difference between desire (wanting or longing for satisfaction), intention (claiming the desire, consciously owning it, and deciding to seek satisfaction), and control (what we are able to do to make satisfaction happen).  Most of us don't make these distinctions, and go directly from wanting something to taking action to get it.  That is totally about control, not about desire or intention.  I, for one, have a long history of being control oriented.  Needless to say, it got me into trouble.  It got me into addiction.

Waiting for this car to be painted has been therapeutic.  As I mentioned in a previous post, it has caused me to linger in my desire, and to more carefully articulate my intention.  I really believe that this lingering is a good practice, and I need to carry it over to my career, and my care for my Dad and the rest of my family.  I really need to do this before I lay down an action plan, or invest myself in fixing anybody.

Feeling desire, without acting on it or moving away, is a hard thing for me.  But it is only here that I can really decide what I truly want.  I think that God has been asking me what I truly want, not just what I desire.  What I want from Him, and what I want to become... and he has been asking this question for most of my life.

I think I want to be more like Paint Guy and Body Guy... relaxed, humble, and relationship driven.  And also like their friend, my generous and compassionate Uncle Packard. 

I spent last night under the desert stars with a good friend, binoculars, and a large telescope.  We were mutually humbled and amazed at God's handiwork in the heavens.   We both are active in our own recovery, and spent the evening telling stories of  His grace in each of our lives.  It was a perfect end to a truly grace-filled day.

As I slowly and deliberately put this car together, I want to learn to take the time to fully appreciate the grace and beauty God has for me each day!