The Cost of Restoration

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  Frequently, actually.

Car restoration is an expensive hobby.  I'm basically cheap.  This sets up a fundamental internal conflict within me that I can't really avoid.  I have an itemized list from a reputable t-bird restoration house for what it would take to bring this car up to presentable (not show-winning) condition.  The total is $60K.  Cars in that condition are selling on the internet at at auction consistently for less than $40K.  Clearly, I'm not into car restoration to make money.  Nor am I able or willing to invest $60K - that's just nuts, isn't it?

But, I am a lust addict.  When faced with any kind of internal conflict, I tend to obsess on superficial things... fun things... maybe sexy things...  In a way, they make me feel good, important, special.  I learned this pattern when I was very young, as a way of dealing with the unpleasantness of my life.  I learned to completely disconnect from real  people, and focus intently on what I would prefer life to be like.  Nowadays, I lurk on forums and blogs, I ogle the pictures, I think of how cool my life would be "if only"... then, inevitably, I take it to extremes.  I find myself living in a fantasy world I've created.  I loose track of time.  I loose track of myself, of my purpose. 

Lately, I've been lusting for a 300 horsepower y-block in my t-bird:

Not that a 300 horsepower y-block is bad.  It isn't.  Most guys would think this is a really cool thing, and wonder what kind of guy would get upset about wanting one.  But, the amount of time I spend thinking about it IS bad... I give my heart to it. Once I give my heart away, I don't have it to give to someone else.  In fact, it is self defeating, and when my financial reality sets in, I feel even more internal conflict.  This drives me to self-medicate through even more lustful thinking.  My lust starts to bleed over into areas beyond auto repair, if you know what I mean!  Soon, I'm either on a binge or on a depression cycle, or more likely both.  This is the corrosiveness of lust.

How do I break this cycle?  I've been in recovery long enough to know that the first 3 steps are hardest, and for me, must be repeated whenever I feel the tug of lust.  The truth of these steps is profound.
1 - I can't do this... this is nuts!  No, really... I can't.  I can remember proving that fact over and over.  This time will NOT be different.  I need help.  I admit it.
2 - I truly believe that there is someone who can help me, who wants to help me.
3 - I think I'll ask Him for help!

With the help of my Higher Power and my recovery group, I'm learning to change my internal dialog from "wouldn't it be great it to have this?" to "what would it be like to live without this?".   Only then can I get a realistic perspective, and be open to deeper relationship.  Only then can my own restoration become real, meaningful, and engaging.

To move forward with this project, I know that I need to rely on other people... people with experience doing this kind of restoration.  I need to establish a trusting relationship with them.  I need to be ready to see the wisdom in their suggestions, regardless of my own preconceptions.  I need to realize that have family and friends who are willing to help, and that engaging them will be a blessing to them and to me.

I may end up with a 300 horsepower motor, but I may not.  It would be pretty cool, but I can live without it.