As a child of neglect, I have a hard time recognizing and accepting value in myself. I unconsciously reasoned that if my parents didn't value me by paying attention to me and taking care of me, then I must not be valuable. I learned early in life that it is unacceptable to complain about feeling unloved. I eventually internalized my resulting frustration into a belief that I was unlovable. To believe otherwise meant that my parents were wrong. As a small boy, the thought that my parents were wrong never crossed my mind. If it had, it would actually have been more unsettling than being unloved!
I have learned that my parents were indeed wrong, both about me and about themselves. But that doesn't change my past, or my memories, or my brokenness. Intellectually, I know that I have value. My friends and family tell me that frequently, in a variety of ways. But emotionally, I remain a love starved little boy, eager for attention but leery of it, untrusting, broken and alone.
For quite a while, I even took a demented solace in my unlovelyness. If I didn't love myself, then I was under no obligation to love anyone else! The second greatest commandment was thus fulfilled, but I conveniently ignored the first... to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength! I had an intellectual faith in God, but not a personal, emotional relationship with him.
As I grew up, every failed relationship served to confirm my unlovelyness. I was driven, but emotionally insecure. God eventually provided an extremely gracious woman in my life who became more committed to me than I was to myself. My brokenness and inability to accept her love led to inevitable hardship, but amazingly she persevered, and God blessed us.
But my deeper brokenness remained. I was internally isolated, and saw no compelling need to change. I enjoyed the affection of my wife and family, but like my father I was emotionally disconnected. I played the role of husband and dad out of duty, not really out of love. I was unreachable. I desperately needed a way out, but I was unaware and unable to articulate my need.
Now here is the miracle of my redemption! God did not give up on me! He used a severe family accident 18 years ago, followed by the illness and death of my Mother 6 years later, to convict me of a need to change. If it wasn't for his grace, I would have gone deeply into my own fear, anger, suffering, and grief. But he broke into my world and began to show my parent's brokenness for what it was, and to show me that their isolation and neglect wasn't about me. Over time, I began to understand that my life didn't have to be so detached, or so meaningless. that understanding could only come from God, because it certainly wasn't in me!
I began, gradually, to perceive the vision that my Redeemer was giving me of something greater for myself. I started to get glimpses what a whole, selfless, peace-filled, loving life could be like! God was inviting me in, and my response was totally up to me. It was ONLY at this point that I could earnestly pray for that change in my life!
With God's help, through earnest prayer, I learned to seek and even yearn for that life. I recognized that I could not accomplish that on my own. It seemed impossible, inconceivable that I could become that kind of person! Yet, once given the vision, I started to recognize reflections of that selfless life in people around me, and to give them a newfound respect. Little by little, I became more willing to enter deeply into the relationships God was putting into my path. I began to realize that God was investing himself in ME, deeply and unreservedly, and in ways that my parents never could!
Looking back over the past decade, I can see that I have been changed. I have not "achieved" that peace-filled, selfless vision... But I am able to see it more clearly, and use that vision to bolster my intention to lead a godly life. It is that intention, when well attended, that impacts my daily decisions and relationships. It flavors my service, my recreation, my work, and my relationships.
I'm still a long way from being truly peace filled or selfless, but I can look at my life and begin to see some of what God found so lovely in me.
I will, for the rest of my life, be a work in progress. I must choose to invite my Redeemer deeper into my life. Spiritual restoration is an ongoing process, and will not be "finished" until the final day. Some of my character defects will not be removed in this life, but I'm beginning to believe that I can experience joy, and by doing that bring joy to others.
Still, I know that God lives-- the One who gives me back my life--
and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him ... see God myself, with my very own eyes.
Oh, how I long for that day!
Job 19:25-27 (the Message)
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Great post. After reading it, I am pondering my own relationship with God, family & friends.
ReplyDeleteI appreciated reading it. I have found that God never gives us more than we can handle, but it can sure bend us to a point that it feels unbearable.
God Bless.